I had my first serious heart break when I was 16. After that, I prayed and fervently asked God to shut the doors of my hearts so it wouldn’t be deceived again by anyone.
When I was 25 and thought I was ready to really fall in love, I said yes to a man whose spiritual beliefs are really similar with mine. I thought, he was an answer to prayer. But after a year, I got my heart broken. He decided to end our relationship – the first real relationship I ever had with the words “you will meet someone better.”
And now, I was about to turn 30…and many might think I have already found someone better and is already happily married…but no! For the third time, my heart is again in a dark place, nursing a pain caused by two years of ‘special friendship’ with someone who introduced me to so many car-related stuff, Mexican food and other crazy yet interesting things. Or maybe, it is only I who thought we had something special. It was the kind of special friendship you thought would eventually blossomed into something greater…something like many younger people now call “forever.”
Honestly, I can’t think of any poetic line to express how I felt and still feel right now. I can’t find a metaphor or any object correlative to which I could compare what I’m going through right now. But I could sum it all up in just three words – I. WAS. HURT. (And I still am.)
Weeks before I started writing these words, I spent a lot of nights crying and days wondering if he’s also affected by the thought that our special friendship (or whatever it is that we have) is about to come to an end. The worst part is, my pain was never acknowledged. I was trying to understand it and battle with it…and I was doing this all by myself. I was feeling sorry for myself, for assuming things that are way beyond what I should assume, I was sorry for everything I need to be sorry for…and all I got were the words “No, don’t be sorry” when the truth is, I was waiting for “let us not end this.”
He once said I’m strong and that I am a fighter. But a real fighter needs to choose her battles; and maybe, this is one battle I have to say ‘no’ to. This pain needs to end at some point. I don’t want this pain to call my heart its ‘home.’ A friend once told me that healing is not an easy process and that no matter how hard we try to make it fast and light, it’s never going to be like that. However, I know it has to start, and I want it to start NOW.